Life: The past few weeks

The past few weeks have been the hardest I've ever had to go through. I feel like I've said that before. But every time I go through something hard, it seems like the worst. I'm amazed by what my body and my mind can handle.
Sept 20th. I went on the courier run for the hospital. I pick up blood, tissue, body parts, etc. and take them back to the hospital for the tests to be run. I was driving in the courier car on my way to the last pick up I had for the day. I was driving west on bulldog in the far left lane. The light turned yellow and someone coming the opposite direction turning left in front of me decided to speed through the yellow light. He hit the front left part of the car, ripped the tire off my car, and spun me around so I was facing the wrong direction in traffic. I experienced shock for the first time in my life. All I could do was sit and stare at my hands, the smoke inside the car, and the airbags that deployed. It felt very surreal, I could hear myself breathing (ok hyperventilating) but that was about all I could think or take in. A woman who saw the accident tried to talk to me through the car window, but it was closed and the driver side window was completely covered by the curtain airbag. The lady jumped in the right side and put her hand on my arm. She kept telling me to breathe and said something about me being in shock and that the ambulance was on the way. It felt like I couldn't process any sort of coherent thought or words for that matter. All I could force out was "baby" and I pointed to my stomach. Then I just started bawling. The lady in the car was asking me all kinds of questions. I found my phone and just pulled up Jake's number. She asked if it was my husband and I nodded. She got out of the car when the EMTs arrived. They couldn't get the driver side door open until one of them kicked it open and ripped the deployed airbags out of the ceiling. All the questions they asked me are just a blur now, but they put a neck brace on me, strapped me down to a gurney and loaded me into the ambulance. The woman who got in the car with me jumped into the ambulance with me. She started asking me where my pain was on a scale of 1 to 10. She also told me that she wasn't able to get a hold of Jake. The EMT sitting next to me leaned down and asked if I knew who this lady was. I said, "I've never seen her in my life." He then nicely asked the lady to exit the ambulance. I pulled out my phone and called Jake. He answered and I was still having a hard time talking and forming complete sentences. He asked what hospital they were taking me to, and I had to try and tell him a bunch of times. I was crying and shaking too hard to for him to understand. But he finally understood. They closed the door and started asking me more questions. The ride to the hospital was short. Jake beat the ambulance to the hospital. He was waiting right outside the ER and I was SO glad he was there.
They wheeled me into a room and I was immediately swarmed by doctors and nurses each doing their own thing. All I could see was the ceiling and the occasional doctor popping their head over to look at me. The questions they were asking me didn't bother me until they asked if I could feel the baby moving. Then I started bawling again because I couldn't.
Someone came in to get a chest x-ray. They cleared the room momentarily and then it was right back to the swarming bees. One nurse was doing an ultrasound on the baby. One nurse was placing an IV. One doctor was listening to my lungs while another was asking me questions about pain and medications. Another person was there just to make sure Jake was okay. I was very grateful for that. Someone came and got me to get a CT from head to just above baby. The contrast they inject made me very nauseated. My nurse was never far away and always had more pain meds to get me through whatever they were currently trying to do. At this point I was still laying on the hard backboard I was strapped to on the gurney and it was very painful. The MRI was the absolute worst. Laying flat on my back hurt the worst, on top of being pregnant and everyone telling me to never lay flat on your back. I was hurting while the tech was loading me into the MRI so the nurse came and gave me more pain meds before I went in. I asked how long the MRI would take. When she told me 40 minutes I started crying again. I thought I could be tough through the entire thing. I kept thinking it was almost over and then she would start another loud cycle again. I finally had to push the button to get everything to stop because I couldn't handle the pain anymore. After that, they wheeled me back to the room I was in and my Mom, Dad, Ryan, and Jake were all there waiting for me. I spent a couple minutes talking with my family before they took me out of the room again for x-rays this time. they did x-rays of my right wrist and left clavicle. Jake even got to help so that they didn't have to move me off the bed again. I got back to the room and the ER physician came back in to talk to me. They didn't find any broken bones but suspected muscle and ligament damage. They also told me that they could see the bruise from the seat belt across my lap on the MRI, that's how bad it was. They had a labor and delivery nurse waiting for me and they told us they wanted to monitor the baby overnight. I worried but a little relieved that I could leave the worrying up to a medical professional for the night and focus on feeling better.
They took me up to the L and D floor and had me hooked up to all of the baby monitors immediately. I have to say, I didn't have one bad nurse or healthcare worker while I was there. Everyone was very sympathetic and kind. One nurse even came in the room between 2-4 am to give me a back/shoulder rub and ask how I was doing and feeling. I was really grateful for the distraction and massage. They watched the baby all night and mentioned that they were worried because she didn't seem to be moving as much as she should and also her heart rate wasn't fluctuating like a normal 25 week fetus. The next morning is when they told us that they wanted us to stay one more night. They wanted to take me off the pain medication I was on and see if that had anything to do with why she wasn't moving like she should have. They also gave me a steroid shot to help her lungs develop faster in case they had to deliver her early. This completely freaked me out. I understand its better to be safe than sorry. But I asked the survival rate and the doctor told me it was about 60%. That's when I started to really freak out. They did more ultrasounds and a non-stress test where they watch her to make sure she is moving without any outside stimulation. They did 2 non-stress tests the first one she failed but the second one the next day she passed. As far as they could tell, it was just the pain medication making her sleepy and that's why she wasn't moving as much. We got to go home on Saturday around noon but still had to go back to the hospital for one more steroid shot. But before we got released we got some of the worst news we've ever dealt with as a married couple. Riley passed away. But that deserves a separate post by itself.
So after all that, I was left with some incredible bruising from where the seat belt was, lots of muscle and ligament damage/pain, whiplash, muscle/ligament damage/pain, and more emotional damage than I expected from something like this. I am incredibly grateful that I was wearing a seat belt. I absolutely would have gone through the windshield without it. I'm still quite jumpy and nervous while driving but I'll take the pain, bruising and nervousness over brain damage any day.